Next Year, Be A Man
Sunday, November 2nd, 2008
I grew a beard this weekend.
Yep. It’s my usual anti-establishment style. I’m so SICK of the sexifying of women’s costumes, that this year - I decided to dress up… as a man.
It was a statement, and it was simple. A tie, some spirit gum, a bit of blood spatter and voila! I was transformed into my personal pop-culture hero, Shaun. Shaun of the Dead.
And my beautiful nine-year old boy, Mr. P, was my Zombie.
We set out with pillowcases along the sidestreets of Roncesvalles, where the Chinook-like temperatures had people hanging out on their front porches, laughing and cranking ‘Thriller’ from dollar store ghetto blasters.
The scene? Me, aka Shaun, trying valiantly to grab some great low-light pictures. Mr. P, aka Zombie, running madly from house to house.
Line of the night?
Parker: “Mom, that lady was speaking a different language.”
Me: “That’s OK honey, I think ‘Trick or Treat’ and ‘Thank You’ are universal.”
Watching proud parents parade their babies, and doing a little reminiscing of my own about years past pushed me to ponder:
“When does the switch get thrown for little girls? When does it become time to put away the demure Dora the Explorer and instead opt for the overt Officer Pat U Down?”
The easy answer to this is, of course, that society in general is making children grow up more quickly, and that from age 8 onward young girls are deducing that real strength = sex. Use it or lose it and pull out those miniskirts now girls, better get on that train early. Cause gawd knows that once you hit 40, the free rides are over.
My take? The push to make pre-pubescent girls more provocative, and the sexifying of women’s Halloween getups in general is the result of one thing.
Women have no unsexy pop culture icons to emulate. Because to be a pop culture icon, first you have to be popular. And to be popular as a woman - you have to be sexually provocative.
Take my personal favourite female pop culture icon of late - Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft in Tomb Raider. She’s smart, she’s strong - and she’s a superhero. But sadly, if I want to dress up as THAT for Halloween I need to invest in a DD bra and a case of toilet paper. Cause we all know that Lara Croft can be as spectacular as she wants - but folks, she ain’t nothin’ without her humongous breasts. Tomb Raider costume less the bazoongas = Epic Fail.
To contrast? Some of the most popular men’s getups.
Loose green T-shirt and some baggy brown pants? You’re Shaggy! Shiny silver attire and an axe? You’re the Tinman! Ridiculous yellow jumpsuit with matching ridiculous yellow hat? You’re the Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious George!
Indeed, superhero spandex and a speedo is about as sexy as it gets for the average heterosexual man. And unless you’re six foot somethin’ and spend five days out of seven at the gym - there’s not gonna be much that’s sexy about that.
Walking amongst the revellers on Church Street, my beard gave me a strange sense of empowerment AND peace. Looking around at all the Vixen Vikings and Naughty Nurses - uncomfortable to be sure in their bustiers and sky high heels - my Vans and button up white shirt was a small statement of non-conformity.
So my final thought? Fight the power. Next year, resist the urge to buy that Halloween costume that’s just a might too tight - and dress up instead, as your favourite man.
You’ll be doing young girls everywhere a favour.
And as for me? I’m saving my super sexy attire for where it belongs - the bedroom. People might just have to stop and wonder.. what’s beneath the surface of that a-sexual Shaun?
And isn’t that the true definition of sexy?
UPDATE: This column just went live on my favourite progressive journalism website - rabble.ca! Check it out! 
